Michaela Rae

anxiety and depression. the two words go hand in hand the two states of mind come in waves. one after the other, over and over, again and again. today was the first day in about six months that i experienced an anxiety attack. and when i say that i was scared, i really do mean that. honestly, i’m still scared and as i’m writing this my hands are still shaking from the after-effects. i hate having anxiety. it makes me nervous of the future, it makes me worried about the present and how i’m gonna keep on loving and going. i can’t lie about this anymore. i can’t hide it. i am terrified. in my head at this very moment i’m screaming. screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling so loud my throat is raw. i am screaming and crying and trying to run away. running faster and faster away and away from the black cloud that’s chasing me. but somehow this is all in my head. somehow no matter how much i feel this pain this terror, it’s all inside my head and isn’t real. it isn’t real but my body is st...

i’m not the person I used to be. for me that is without a doubt the most thrilling and terrifying sentence I could write out. i am not the same. life has changed me. people have changed me. circumstances have changed me. i am no longer who i used to be. i know happiness, but i still carry the weight of all the pain i’ve experienced. i cry sometimes for no specific reason because even though my life doesn’t seem meaningless as before, i still am forced to have burns in my skin from what life’s handed me. burns i want to cover and hide, while all the world tells me to show them and be proud of how far i’ve come. but these scars aren’t a victory, they’re bruises and cuts that are flaws in me. they’re pieces of a puzzle that won’t fit no matter how i try to force them. they remind me of people i’ve loved, choices i’ve made, things i’ve wished i could undo. yes, i have learned from my past. yes, i am more loving because of them. but i wish i could grow and progress without feeling the hur...