Skip to main content

familiar yet taboo

anxiety and depression. the two words go hand in hand the two states of mind come in waves. one after the other, over and over, again and again. today was the first day in about six months that i experienced an anxiety attack. and when i say that i was scared, i really do mean that. honestly, i’m still scared and as i’m writing this my hands are still shaking from the after-effects. i hate having anxiety. it makes me nervous of the future, it makes me worried about the present and how i’m gonna keep on loving and going. i can’t lie about this anymore. i can’t hide it. i am terrified. in my head at this very moment i’m screaming. screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling so loud my throat is raw. i am screaming and crying and trying to run away. running faster and faster away and away from the black cloud that’s chasing me. but somehow this is all in my head. somehow no matter how much i feel this pain this terror, it’s all inside my head and isn’t real. it isn’t real but my body is still physically shaking and my heart is still physically pounding, and my breathing is still ragged. but somehow none of this is real. somehow i’m inflicting this all on myself. somehow this sensation is my fault and only mine. i have no one to blame except the wiring in my mind for choosing to let myself feel this way. i don’t begin to pretend to understand this. any of it. all of it. it’s a mystery to me and i can’t figure it out. it’s the unsolvable puzzle, the unanswerable question that leaves me awake at night struggling to understand. i don’t know that I ever will understand. i don’t know if there will ever be an explanation. because of that, i don’t know that i’ll ever be able to make it stop and end this trauma. i don’t know if i will ever know how to make this stop.

i. am. terrified.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

day by day

i’m not the person I used to be. for me that is without a doubt the most thrilling and terrifying sentence I could write out. i am not the same. life has changed me. people have changed me. circumstances have changed me. i am no longer who i used to be. i know happiness, but i still carry the weight of all the pain i’ve experienced. i cry sometimes for no specific reason because even though my life doesn’t seem meaningless as before, i still am forced to have burns in my skin from what life’s handed me. burns i want to cover and hide, while all the world tells me to show them and be proud of how far i’ve come. but these scars aren’t a victory, they’re bruises and cuts that are flaws in me. they’re pieces of a puzzle that won’t fit no matter how i try to force them. they remind me of people i’ve loved, choices i’ve made, things i’ve wished i could undo. yes, i have learned from my past. yes, i am more loving because of them. but i wish i could grow and progress without feeling the hur...
Post a Comment
Read more

white flag

 Have you ever felt so much pain in your heart that you were ecstatic at the thought that maybe it was just your bra that was hurting you and not your heart. Have you ever felt so alone, so unnoticed and unnecessary that every breath hurts. And when I say it hurts, what I really mean is that you notice every breath you take. Every time you inhale and exhale you have to make a very active decision to keep on breathing and not just give up existence. And it’s not an easy decision, because every time you decide to breath it just means another moment of pain, another moment YOU chose to endure this pain. This pain that’s not just mental and emotional, but also physical, making your very skin hurt and your body ache. And it just keeps on aching it just keeps on hurting so much that tears aren’t enough, words aren’t enough, and comfort isn’t enough. You’ve tried listening to the advice of friends and moving on, cause they just keep on saying that he didn’t deserve you and there’s plen...
Post a Comment
Read more