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day by day

i’m not the person I used to be.
for me that is without a doubt the most thrilling and terrifying sentence I could write out. i am not the same. life has changed me. people have changed me. circumstances have changed me. i am no longer who i used to be. i know happiness, but i still carry the weight of all the pain i’ve experienced. i cry sometimes for no specific reason because even though my life doesn’t seem meaningless as before, i still am forced to have burns in my skin from what life’s handed me. burns i want to cover and hide, while all the world tells me to show them and be proud of how far i’ve come. but these scars aren’t a victory, they’re bruises and cuts that are flaws in me. they’re pieces of a puzzle that won’t fit no matter how i try to force them. they remind me of people i’ve loved, choices i’ve made, things i’ve wished i could undo. yes, i have learned from my past. yes, i am more loving because of them. but i wish i could grow and progress without feeling the hurt of it. i wish i could simply love because it was in my nature and not because i know what it feels like to be wrecked by false love. i wish i could care because my heart instinctively leaned to that instead of caring because i know the pain of being made small. i can’t wash any of that away. i can’t make any of it disappear. i am so unendingly broken, but all that brokenness has made me feel. all that ash has made me complete. we are all just skin and bones naturally, but our scars define our individual essence. it hurts me to show my scars, but i’m trying to learn to be brave. i’m trying to learn to be strong and let go of the hurt of the past and breathe and step forward to the path in front of me. it takes time, but i’m learning slowly, day by day. we’ll make it eventually.

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