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familiar yet taboo

anxiety and depression. the two words go hand in hand the two states of mind come in waves. one after the other, over and over, again and again. today was the first day in about six months that i experienced an anxiety attack. and when i say that i was scared, i really do mean that. honestly, i’m still scared and as i’m writing this my hands are still shaking from the after-effects. i hate having anxiety. it makes me nervous of the future, it makes me worried about the present and how i’m gonna keep on loving and going. i can’t lie about this anymore. i can’t hide it. i am terrified. in my head at this very moment i’m screaming. screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling so loud my throat is raw. i am screaming and crying and trying to run away. running faster and faster away and away from the black cloud that’s chasing me. but somehow this is all in my head. somehow no matter how much i feel this pain this terror, it’s all inside my head and isn’t real. it isn’t real but my body is st...
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day by day

i’m not the person I used to be. for me that is without a doubt the most thrilling and terrifying sentence I could write out. i am not the same. life has changed me. people have changed me. circumstances have changed me. i am no longer who i used to be. i know happiness, but i still carry the weight of all the pain i’ve experienced. i cry sometimes for no specific reason because even though my life doesn’t seem meaningless as before, i still am forced to have burns in my skin from what life’s handed me. burns i want to cover and hide, while all the world tells me to show them and be proud of how far i’ve come. but these scars aren’t a victory, they’re bruises and cuts that are flaws in me. they’re pieces of a puzzle that won’t fit no matter how i try to force them. they remind me of people i’ve loved, choices i’ve made, things i’ve wished i could undo. yes, i have learned from my past. yes, i am more loving because of them. but i wish i could grow and progress without feeling the hur...
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white flag

 Have you ever felt so much pain in your heart that you were ecstatic at the thought that maybe it was just your bra that was hurting you and not your heart. Have you ever felt so alone, so unnoticed and unnecessary that every breath hurts. And when I say it hurts, what I really mean is that you notice every breath you take. Every time you inhale and exhale you have to make a very active decision to keep on breathing and not just give up existence. And it’s not an easy decision, because every time you decide to breath it just means another moment of pain, another moment YOU chose to endure this pain. This pain that’s not just mental and emotional, but also physical, making your very skin hurt and your body ache. And it just keeps on aching it just keeps on hurting so much that tears aren’t enough, words aren’t enough, and comfort isn’t enough. You’ve tried listening to the advice of friends and moving on, cause they just keep on saying that he didn’t deserve you and there’s plen...
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it's only slow motion in your head

"cause i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life. am i living it right?" when the whole world's a stranger to you, the age old question breathes life into itself: are you the only one? the mass of individuals have abandoned the beat of their own drum and instead follow the lead of society conducting their every note. although many preach rebellion against the staccato of average everyday life, few actually branch out and follow through with that, and instead just become part of another symphony that all shouts for change while still tapping away to the same rhythm. when you walk a crowded street, are you crowded by people or by thoughts? does it seem at all that the meaninglessness of this life all finds its home in the face of a stranger? does it seem at all like the world around you is a slow motion film but you're the only person sitting in the theatre watching it progress? you think of yourself as the familiar stranger. the person everyone...
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